Kenyan writer Aoko Otieno is back at it again. This time, the now-famous “boychild advocate” helping ladies save their dying relationships by lecturing them on a number of habits they need drop from their bedroom activities.
“Sex, the one thing many adults relish, indulge in but do not wish to talk about. Talking of which, sex discourses are often monolithic in the sense that, it is often largely geared on how to please a woman,” she seasoned defender of social equality begins.
“How about how to please a man? How about the things women do that turn men off? dislikes of men too. So ladies, let us have these conversations, shall we?
First things first; there is no such thing as bad sex neither does one require a Masters in Kamasutra as a prerequisite to enjoying it and since it takes two to do the deed, how about women also get a glimpse of what fellas detest under the sheets.
Make no mistake, good sex can keep a man.
1. Madam Mean and Lazy
“Boring sex is like tilling a barren land- tiring, uninspiring, energy supping, infuriating and with no returns of pleasure. Too many women spend a great deal of effort on their outward appearance but tend to make no investment in lovemaking skills. It is daunting to put up a chase for a woman you desire and who plays hard to get and when she finally gets into ‘the box’ and offer the cookie jar, you find pit that you have been courting a cold bot who lies still in bed like an Egyptian mummy.
Bland sex is like a slow puncture, progressively sucking the oomph and passion in a relationship.
No one cares if you are a Catholic or if you are a version of Saint Teresa of Asisi, if you can’t be vibrant in bed, go enrol in a monastery. Nothing upsets a dude than a woman who is just lying there, starfish shape, rolling her eyes loudly and whose countenance reveals how she cannot wait for it to be over.
Plus, forget how you were raised, learn to initiate sex. And for heaven’s sake, reciprocate. If he’s always going down on you, but you never go down on him, you are selfish. Dudes might not voice this, but trust me, he notices if you make him constantly ride the train downtown when you’re only worried about your uptown commute. If he likes you enough to satisfy your every need, why aren’t you willing to do the same?
Men love it when a woman can initiate sex and be in control sometimes, a freak in the sheets, someone that makes them feel macho not an inferior, lazy bum woman who wants everything done for her.
Tell me of a single good movie that does not have a dope soundtrack. They do right? The same goes for lovemaking. Making sound during sex is a great way to communicate that you’re enjoying what you’re feeling and to signal to your partner that you want more of that.
However, you do not have to turn a lovemaking session into an opera show with all the “Ave Maaaarrrrriiiiiiaaaaa” screams. Yes, a little moaning and groaning and a cry out here and there makes him feel macho and works like fuel on a fire that keeps it ablaze but does not overdo it.
Men cannot stand it when you scream like a maniac, it is not sexy or cool, it is freaking embarrassing and scary. So if your soundtrack is a mix of rap, opera and crank all unleashed at once, please tone it down and make it more of soul and RnB with a twist of Gospel, you know the “Oh My God!” stuff.
2. Hygiene is key
“Does he give excuses so as not to touch you? No, it has got nothing to do with another woman, just check on your hygiene. Do not join your man in bed without taking a shower! The sweat and body odour makes for a tummy wrenching combination, brush your teeth because he might want to come in for a kiss and yes, “deforestation.”
3. Moan another Man’s name
“This is tantamount to a crime. No man can stomach the pain and humiliation of a woman calling out another man’s name in the heat of the moment.
If you know you have a coterie of boyfriends at the palm of or hands, dear sister, that’s your business; but if you must call out a name during the romp, do not take chances, minimize collateral damage by opting to use words like “baby, darling, my love,’ the list is endless.
Simply put, do not go yelling “Oh William” when his name is Ben. If you must yell a name, then let it be biblical like Mathew so that when he starts asking who the hell is John just add chapter 5 versus 18 and you are good to go.
4. Stop Wearing Sing’enge ni Ng’ombe Faded T-shirts to bed
“It’s true when they say that men are visual beings. So do not wear a woollen sweater, thick cotton pyjamas, a huge headgear, socks and gloves to bed and expect to inspire him to want to touch you. By the time I was done removing our regalia, he would have lost his mood.
Men have on a countless number of times complained about the horrible apparels women wear to bed, cut the military combat, you are going to make love, not war.
5. Bring up issues during the act
“You know how the saying goes; that a man is most vulnerable and weak in moments of pleasure but girl, that is not the time to blurt out about a text message you read on his phone or check him about this girl he keeps liking her updates on Facebook.
Neither is that the time to talk about money for new clothes or how all your friends have cars except you. Men hate it when you use that intimate time to bring up all messy issues like his beef with his baby mama; if you have to talk about that stuff, do it before or after but not when he is trying to get his cookie.
6. Faking The Big ‘O’
“Research has shown that out of ten women, only half have ever experienced an orgasm. If you ask me, these alarming figures should make it be declared a universal concern.
Guys, she could be faking it just to make you finish or to boost your ego. Ladies, if you have to fake the huge O, better be good at it and do not let him know. We understand why you have to do it; perhaps, he has been pounding you like a West African ‘tom-tom’ drum for over an hour and the thing won’t just come. You’ve tried too hard to cum until you have a migraine but the G-spot has pulled a Malaysia plane on you so what to do other than let out a fake one? Just make it sound, look and feel real.
7. It is Missionary or Nothing
“Ladies, I am not saying you turn into a gymnast and start doing somersaults but quit being rigid, men abhor it.
Come-on, you will not go to hell if you indulge in any other style than the gods’ ordained missionary- get kinky- be spontaneous and make sex fun rather than a boring routine.
As long as you are comfortable, who knows, the reverse cowgirl might just be the position that gets you reciting hail Mary in Gujarati.
8. Roll Over, I want to Pick My Phone
“So your phone has rung in the middle of the dance of gonads, must you distract a man just to answer a uses call from your girlfriend who just wants to gossip? She can wait.
It does not matter whether you are enjoying it or otherwise, or yes, he might be smooch like a giraffe and pinches your nipple like a radio knob and you hat it! But that is no excuse to be chatting while he is doing his thing just because you do not like how he does it. Two things- tell him to stop or put the phone away and show him how you want it done!”
Written by Aoko Otieno.
Writing for her, she says, is raison d’être, as “it guarantees her Freedom; freedom to love, live and relieve through her very own and other people’s lives”.